rowenbumble's Blog

The Past Fades

I have lived a fairly long life, and have made many, many mistakes. But where I am now is a place I really never saw myself being, but I love it. I had to let someone have most of what we had achieved, that was of a monetary value,...gave most all of it to him so I could leave. I have possesions that are of sentimental worth, but the house, business, cars, furniture, etc...all were given to him & his mother.  Decades were spent by both of us, trying to find some sort of "good" life.  I don't think either one of us was really happy, at least I know I wasn't. I tried though, to tell myself it was good, tried to really believe it, but it wasn't real. That's ok though now. I don't remember much of it, it seems to fade more and more with time. It's only been a few years now but I don't think of it much anymore, like a switch got turned off. I am happy with my life, and all those in it.  I enjoy my kids, and their kids, and am making new, happy memories. I have made so many new and good friends too,  done things I only wondered about years ago, and am looking forward, always forward, never back. Sometimes the fading seems strange. How can 30 years seem to have not exsisted very much? Little blips once in a while, but never staying very long. It is ok though. Really ok, and I wish him the same too.

One Year

It has been one year today. A long, terribly lonely year without my brother. I miss him more than I could express in any words known. He is gone. Sometimes I think that is wrong. He could never be gone, not Storm, never Storm. He lived through almost drowning in Bear Creek in a flash flood. He lived through some of the worst battles of Viet Nam. He lived through being shot at as a Mohave Sheriff....and ended up shooting the shooter.

He was the one constant in my life. He had always been there. ALWAYS. Things were going to be ok somehow, because he was always there to tell me that. He was never Not my brother. Even when we were mad at each other, we talked. He checked in on me, wondered about me....concerned, he just loved me. He was honest to a fault sometimes. Said what he thought, even though it hurt me. But that was my brother. I never doubted that he loved me....the one man in my life that I knew loved me without conditions, but then we were blood. Son and daughter of the same mother and father. Same as same....same DNA, same genes. Connected without any words, just knowing I love him and he loved me forever. And now he is gone. My half is gone. I am in this alone now.

I realize he is fine. He is happy, laughing, well and a wonderful place. I am just being selfish. It is me that hurts now, and how I wish I could hear him, talk to him, listen to all his stories again, even some about me when I was little that I didn't even know.

He was a wonderful brother. A father and husband too, who miss him dearly. We are all better off for having had him in our lives. That is why it is so hard to let him go, but I guess he had to.

This year would be the hardest, and now it is over. The years will start moving faster now, the hurt will soften but the missing piece of my heart will never grow back, and that's ok.

Thank you Storm for being a brother to me. I will miss and love you forever.

The Secret

To act on impulse, not look back...leading you into familiar territory, yet still unknown. A new found connection, one to just enjoy, but if others knew, oh what hell there would be to pay on both sides.
A secret no one would have imagined, or many would want yet there it is....literally lying in wait.

My Life

Another Mother's Day has come and gone...the 32nd one from my mother dying 3 days before I was to celebrate my first one as a mother....Kind of put the brakes on it being a happy day for me for a long time. Until my own children told me I wasn't allowing them to make my day happy..That was never my intent, so I try to enjoy it for them...but the dark scar still lays deep. I wished so many times I would have had a mother's advise or input...even a place to go to think. But life took that safe harbor away just as I was starting out . I was on my own...trying to learn and do on the fly...not a good way to deal with life. I had a father that threw me away when I was 4...the only girl out of 4 kids. I mattered little to him. So I was set up to fail, and I did and did.
I am trying to learn from all this, so as it didn't happen only for a bad reason but to bring forth a solid, strong person from the flames of abandonment and worthlessness.
Each day is a struggle to move forward, but I try hard to.
Now it is after a second marriage that ended. He does not think I tried, but I tried hard, tried patience, tried to get him to talk, explain but I was just shut out. It brought back all the worthlessness and abandonment issues I had. I shut down, pulled inward..I couldn't deal with being thrown away again, he screamed at me that I was a I protected what little of me I had left...and left. My brother helped me get the divorce, but I have to pay every penny back to him...and now my brother tells me he has 4 months to live, but that the debt will not be forgiven...i owe  his family he says...ok.
I gave everything to the ex...all the physical stuff...home, tractor, cars, trailer, furniture, electronics, Webber, land, business...on and on...and I asked for sentimental junk and alimony instead, thinking that was fair.
Of course he does not see it as such, and has never given me the monthly money that would help so much in my struggling life. I support our youngest son trying to help him through college...I pay his insurance, living, and was trying to save for him for the London Olympics he is going to. But then a daughter can't make her monthly house payment, 4 months in a I pay that too...There is nothing left for me. But do I get I should have demanded that everything be sold and split 50 50...after all it was over 22 years of marriage...but I didn't want to add to his turmoil,....nobody cares about mine. But I didn't stand up for myself when I should have...Lesson Learned....Happy Mother's Day.

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Previous Posts
The Past Fades, posted April 10th, 2014, 1 comment
One Year, posted August 21st, 2013
The Secret, posted January 28th, 2013, 1 comment
My Life, posted May 14th, 2012, 2 comments

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